Fro' vs Mo'
by Nudemania
Summary: Jay discovers some dark basement secrets about his teammates and himself. You'll soon find out that some discoveries are best left unshaven, and that we're not all lactose intolerant. JxT, JxA, OxA, JxO, AxA, NxA, HxT, CxJ, JxAxO... WARNING, PURE-CRACK


**Fro vs Mo**

**Dem's Note:** hurhurhur, Dem's Note sounds like Death Note. _Anyways_, here's a little oneshot from myself and the great Nuuoa herself. This comes from ramblings on msn, and wondering about possible pairings that probably should have come up in the CotT fandom, but haven't yet. Here's our take on one of those. Also, neither of us hold **anything** against homosexuals of any sort. This is just simply goofing around with Jay- nothing degrading. Please don't take any offense from this, as it's all in good fun. (We all know Jay's just the sharpest tool in the shed)

**Nuu's Note**: So we have our first joint one-shot up! Aw, my note name sounds less menacing. And yes, Jay does carry around pocket notes and labels them with time. He is a cool child, and as Dem has deducted, went through the stages of child-leash to eavesdropping. Remember though kids, the scenes you read in this fan fiction are written by professionals. Do not attempt to write a rug-wearing, pillow-loving Jay without adult supervision. Viewer discretion is advised. Beware the holy cows.

* * *

As a young man, Jay had his own share of problems. As leader of a team of seven _unique_ teenagers, those problems seemed like a vacation compared to what he had to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Today was one of the few days he could spare some time to rant. Or at least write.

He'd found journaling (diary is far too feminine a word for someone like himself) was a great way to relieve stress and sort out his problems. He also liked to keep track of some thoughts, as they tended to help him out when he needed them most.

10:01 am: The Brownstone is pretty quiet. I think Atlanta, Theresa and Neil went out shopping and Herry's out with Athena. Last I heard of Archie, he'd slept in and Odie's down on the computer… doing whatever it is he does. Blogging or inventing or something. I've half a mind to go wake Archie up; he shouldn't be so tired if he had a good night's sleep. What if we have to go on a mission in the dead of night and he gets someone hurt because he's so tired? That settles it, I'm going to get him and I'm putting him on a schedule.

Jay set his journal down and got up to go awaken the slumbering warrior. Some warrior, picky about his food, closet poet, afraid of water, trips over his own two feet all the time and sleeps in. Achilles would _not_ be happy. Then again, thank goodness Archie hadn't received any _feelings_ from Achilles. Jay again wondered if it was wise to be such good friends with the guy descended from the warrior who was famous for his love for his friend, Patroclus. He shrugged and headed to the stairs leading to the basement, where Archie and Odie's rooms were.

Jay stopped when he heard a bang. He leapt down the stairs in a single bound and almost threw open the door to Odie's room when he heard Archie talking.

"Geeze Odie, move over, you're taking up too much space!" the warrior complained.

So he was awake after all. They sounded okay.

"I can't when you're on top of me, Archie," came Odie's curt reply.

Jay froze. Slowly he pulled his hand away from the doorknob and backed away. The first stair creaked under his foot.

"What was that?" Archie hissed.

"Nothing, Jay's up in his room, Everyone but Jay is out shopping and we both know Jay's just going to stay in his room unless Cronus calls, right?" Odie explained.

"Still… we don't want to be caught. Better if people don't know about this."

"Yeah, I guess… man, I hate this position. Can we try another one, I'm getting sore?" Odie complained.

"Yeah sure," Archie laughed.

Jay forced himself not to run, to stay quiet as possible, and as soon as he got to his room, he hid under the blankets with his journal, little flashlight in hand and scribbling furiously. He did not want to think about what may be going on under a different pair of sheets at the same moment.

10:08am: So… I was just listening to Odie and Archie's conversations… and, well, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but it sounds like they're better… _friends_ then we all thought. Good lord, how long has this been going on? I'm… I'm almost afraid to know. Maybe _that's_ why the basement always smells so weird.

Jay bit the tip of the eraser; the words printed plainly on the page before him still did not seem real. He erased furiously before deciding, for the sake of scientific observation, to rewrite them and study them carefully. None of this made sense... Archie had always been uninterested in dating girls, and Jay was glad for it, as it kept his team together and such. Heroes didn't really have the time anyways, and with girls the excuse- as Herry had to find out- of, "I was busy" with no real reason, didn't really cut it.

Besides, Archie liked Atlanta. That's why girls didn't catch his eye when they walked down the street... or why instead he hung back with Odie, the equally dateless. It was social awkwardness... Social awkwardness! Oh who was he kidding, it was a hair thing, Jay was guessing.

Jay grabbed his own, feathered, sun-streaked, fluffy hair in horror. If this was a hair thing... he and Neil were _next_!

_No_, he told himself; _get a hold of your mind, Jay! You don't care about sexual orientation- as long as guys know you like the ladies. When the ladies like you back._

Who was he kidding? He was freaking out! Could there possibly be other... romances besides... that one- ones that he didn't know about? What if Theresa... and... and... Herry were- or Atlanta and Neil! Anything was possible!

And that was what made it so scary.

Not to mention, overhearing Archie and Odie downstairs made Jay want to cry.

When could this have possibly happened? And how? Archie liked Atlanta, but was afraid to ask her out and thus never had. Odie always crashed and burned and never once asked a girl properly. Both of them failed with women- that was it! It had to be a hoax, them pretending to want a date with a girl to keep the others off their trails! Sneaky, sneaky, devious people!

Jay slapped himself to let himself know he was being an idiot.

"Get a grip, Jay." He shook his light, fluffy, condition--bad thought! Stay on track. Jay groaned, the sound only brought the image of a different sort of groaning... the huskier sort, and louder... and sweatier, and--Jay's mind wailed, and shut down before fake sounds could produce a mental picture.

"Alright, you're a leader Jay. You deal with stuff like, or close... You deal with stuff all the time, let's work it out. How do you fight a monster? Not that people with certain gender preference are monsters?! NO! I mean..." Jay blinked. He wasn't helping himself one bit.

Jay sighed and pressed the invisible reset button, "How do I find solutions? Simple, I get into the mind frame of my opponent." Scanning the room Jay found and claimed an unfamiliar purple pillow, the closest thing to Archie he could find. Jumping off the bed and racing to the bathroom, Jay yanked his mop textured rug off the bathroom floor.

Jay smiled in the mirror, pillow in hand, and wrapped the rug turban style over his head. It was heavy, but no less gave an Odie-ish vibe. Craftily making sure that the dark hallway was still barren of people; Jay flew into his room and locked the door. Losing all inhibitions, Jay's voice became laced with lust.

10:17 am: The experiment begins.

"Hello, Archie... your body looks especially chiseled this morning." He wiggled an eyebrow suggestively.

It was true, in this frame of mind Jay had to explore all the best... features of his friend. Archie's body was good, he had always thought so- secretly. The stain in Pillow-Archie looked like a blush rather than the grape juice from the day before. The reply came higher than his Odie-voice, for some reason Jay thought Archie would be the woman.

"Oh, Oooddiiieee-kins. You flatter me, I must say that you seem to be working out though, you big brainy man-toy you." Jay smiled to himself; Pillow-Archie was rocking seductively in his hand. Odie was putting in a lot of effort in training lately. Jay remembered taking notice of the boy's dark skin after a particularly hot day. It had been moist and the sunlight had hit in such a way that his chest looked bigger, and his butt looked—the rug fell from his head, and his light, fluffy, stupid feathery hair bounced over his eyes.

"HOLY COW, I'M GAY!"

10:52am: Dear diary... am I feminine enough to call you diary now? No? I'll call you... Leeroy. Dear Leeroy- I have just discovered I am actually... not who I thought I was. I can't believe it. I mean, I was sure I was going to ask Theresa out one of these days- but maybe Neil instead? I mean, we both do have such nice hair, Leeroy. You wouldn't believe how soft Neil's looks. I'm shocked I didn't know myself so well before, but maybe this discovery will allow me to understand my inner soul and my feelings a lot more.

Love, Jay-Jay

Jay sighed and leaned back against his headboard and closed his eyes. It was strange, he almost felt at peace with himself. The raging masculinity he once felt before was almost gone. He felt... empty. He was yearning for something. Tights? A skirt? He also felt light-headed from hyperventilating the past half-hour away on the floor after his life-changing discovery. Should he keep his secret?

It was almost too much to bear alone, without another pair of strong, manly shoulders to carry it with. But would the others think less of him? Being alone hurt his feelings. He didn't want the others to not like him. Jay got up and looked at the revelation-bringing rug-hat on the floor. He picked it up and brought it back to the bathroom, and then decided he needed to accept himself and thus shaved his legs.

Maybe he could confide in Archie and Odie? But would seeing them so happy together hurt his heart more then he could bear? But it would be nice to share his feelings with someone else, others who would understand him. Jay made up his mind to talk to them- even though he felt nervous and afraid. He didn't want to make a bad impression.

He nicked his leg and knew that the forces were conspiring against him, because they couldn't accept who he was! It was so unfair! Jay finished up, stroking his smooth legs in disbelief for a moment, before rolling his pants back down and preparing to head downstairs.

The hurricane had passed. He was here, he was queer. Get used to it! Just before reaching the small basement door Jay thought of asking Cronus the next time he saw him was sort of after-shave he used. He smelled nice, even after their battles. Maybe it was the deodorant. Jay reached for the handle and waited until the grunting stopped. He thought of knocking first, but taking the bull by the horns not _cow_, **bull**, Jay burst it open and strutted on through.

Archie and Odie both cried out at their privacy being interrupted and Odie tried to scramble away, but with Archie pinning him down the attempt was futile. Jay took a deep breath, trying to ignore the pain he was feeling in his heart (or was that indigestion?)

"How does it feel to be inside another man?" he blurted out.

"Wh-WHAT?" both Archie and Odie croaked out, their jaws unhinged.

"How did you find one another so fast, when I'm so lonely and aloo...ne?" Jay had finally _looked_ at them and realized they were in their work-out clothes. Archie had Odie pinned down on top of a _wrestling_ mat they'd rolled out on the floor. Odie had failed wrestling last week while Archie had been near-perfect.

"HOLY COW, I'M AN IDIOT!" Jay shrieked before turning and dashing back up the stairs.

"...Jay isn't... you know... is he?" Odie asked slowly.

"I... I don't think... dude... I thought I knew him. Though he did always fancy that bright purple and yellow polo sweater a bit too much." Archie muttered, staring at the open doorway.

"Well, we might as well... see if he's okay?" Odie started awkwardly, his voice pitching up into a question at the end. Getting up off the mat, still not quite sure if the words were his own, Odie found his feet, and made his way up the stairs. It seemed that Archie had taken initiative, and remembered to follow him.

They didn't talk on the long journey to their leader's room, Odie logically deducted that this was from the mental image of Jay in tight black leather. Taking a deep breath, Odie felt his head grow light in fear as the pair tip-toed into Jay's room. Almost to his too great relief, Jay was not there. But was that... music? There was light coming from the bathroom -it was like a beacon.

"Let's go see what's up." Archie squeaked, and then coughed to cover it. Odie and Archie pushed open the door to a sight rather not seen. Jay. In the tub. Jay sobbing in the tub.

With bubbles.

"Does it smell like lavender to you?" Archie's voice cracked, while Odie unfortunately concluded it was. He also wondered how Jay had managed to arrange such a horrific display of feminism in such a short amount of time. But he did not voice this aloud.

Jay didn't seem to notice them and both teens winced at the sight of Jay's sleek, smooth, naked legs dangling over the side of the tub.

"Dude- did you _shave_ your legs?" Archie said in disbelief. Jay gasped, suddenly realizing they were there and sank lower into the mass of lavender-scented bubbles.

"Leave me to wallow in my own despair!" he sobbed.

Odie glanced at Archie, "Jay- were you reading Archie's poetry?" Archie protested the thought of even writing poetry, while Jay's bubble-covered hand pointed at the stack of little notebooks sitting on the toilet seat. Archie's sudden claims to not owning poetry changed immediately.

"Why do you have my poems? Those are private- and personal! And they were in my closet!" he shouted.

"I found them in your closet. I figured if I came out of the closet, at least something else could come with me," Jay mumbled. There was tragic romance music playing from one of the dark corners of the bathroom, as the lights were off and there were numerous scented candles giving the entire bathroom a rather pleasant- albeit strong- smell.

Odie held up a hand to silence Archie and slowly picked his way across the floor to stand beside the tub, "Jay… is something… wrong?"

Jay only sank lower until all that Archie and Odie could see were his sad, downcast eyes under his feathery, bouncy hair. He mumbled something, and they only way they could tell was because the bubbles shifted and some flew into the air. Archie blew those out of his face as he came to stand on the other side of the tub.

"What? We can't hear you man," Archie folded his arms across his chest.

Jay lifted his head so his lips were clear of the bubbles- but he now had a bubble beard, "I said: I'm sorry but I can't help who I am."

"Who you are?" Odie looked around the room. He scanned over the unrecognizable landscape, and had to ask himself if he'd ever really known his friend at all. His brown eyes closed, and he sighed. No, it seemed aspects of their friendship had been a lie.

"Who you are?!" Archie's voice echoed violently off the tile walls, bouncing back and forth. Both Odie and Jay looked up at him in shock, and Odie was pulled from his previous self-pity. Rage bubbled forth from Archie, and drew him in. The warrior's foot hit the ground with such forth that the CD shifted from its position, and stopped.

"NO! _MICHEAL BUBLE_!" Jay wailed from the tub, he reached his hands out desperately over the mountains of foam.

"Until now I thought I knew just that Jay! Who you were." Archie turned his back to them both, only to face the mirror, and having to watch the world once more. Odie watched him carefully, probably Jay as well, though most of him had sunk lower into the foam.

"And despite what evidence may be seen around me," Archie gingerly picked up a CosmoGirl magazine off the floor, "I still think I do. You see," he chuckled, "though I'm sure we would all support you, after a bit of counseling for Theresa- I'm pretty sure you aren't homosexual," Archie's eyes twinkled, "If there's one thing I know about you Jay, that cannot be changed as easily as leg texture, it's that you tend to draw conclusions, over think, and then apply them to yourself. And that—" He spun towards their leader, "Is a lesson not learned from stolen from poetry."

All three were silent as Odie and Jay allowed Archie's sudden wisdom to sink in, and Archie was waiting for someone to ask what the hell he was talking about.

"Did you know you look rather attractive when your eyes twinkle like that?" Jay finally said. Archie found himself at a loss for words.

"Look, man," Odie cut in before the conversation could progress, "we know you. You and Theresa are head-over-heels for one another and it's driving us all crazy because you won't admit it and we all know that YOU, Jay, are NOT gay. Now, just tell us -why- you've come to this preposterous conclusion?"

Jay winked at Archie, who felt as if someone had just tangoed across his grave, before looking to Odie. His toes curled and uncurled nervously, "Well, you see, it started this morning... and... oh, what's the use. It doesn't matter! I'm so alone!" Jay sank under the bubbles in despair.

Slightly worried for Jay's sanity, Archie and Odie reacted quickly, grabbing Jay by the shoulders and pulling him up so his head was above the water.

"Get a hold on yourself, man!" Archie leaped forward to rescue first, saving Jay from the feasting bubbles. The poor soul didn't realize he was only putting himself in the hands of far worse danger.

"Only if you get a hold on me," Jay whispered. He leaned forward so his lips were only mere inches from his prey's, "And it seems you already have."

Archie dropped the boy like he was burning coal, or maybe Archie himself was. He certainly felt hot enough to be one. He was in a state of such horror that he barely heard Odie's faint mumbles. Or maybe it was the state of his brain trying to process the fact that he was actually being hit on.

This was not how he had pictured it.

"Ah, man. Even dudes don't like me."

Archie wished he was in that position, "P-please Odie, this is not what this is…"

"Then what would you call –this- Archie-muffin-moo-moo-dear?" Jay's pout made him a fish.

Archie hated fish.

"Moo-moo? I'm a _dairy_ product now?!"

"I think it's a relation to the fact that your skin is milky white." Odie's comment was not helpful.

"Yes, it is. I wonder what a sight it is to see all of it. Naked," Jay's arms were back, and they had him locked in a death grip that lead towards a sea of bubbles. But the arms did not stay that way for long, and they ventured off towards Archie's shirt.

"Jaaay!" Archie's whine was strangled, "you're doin' it wrong! Do this to Theresa- **not me**!"

Jay had Archie's shirt pulled up high enough to reveal Archie's stomach, "My, my Archie. What… _deliciously_, _dirty_ abs you have. I might want to lick them up," he pulled Archie closer and whispered, "with whipped cream."

Jay moved in for the kiss, pulling Archie closer. Odie was running towards them, one hand outstretched and shouting 'NO' and everything seemed to be in slow-motion.

Until Theresa opened the door. And in his shock, Jay missed Archie and instead Archie fell into the bathwater and right into Jay's lap.

"Jay- I've been looking for-" Theresa froze as she took in the scene. Jay in the bubble bath, with his shaved legs dangling over the side, Archie in his lap- soaking wet with all his clothes on. And Odie, looking like he was just about to leap in himself with one arm outstretched towards the two in the tub already.

Her lip trembled as she realized what the visions of Jay with the rug on his head and writing in a diary had been trying to tell her. She slammed the door shut behind herself and the boys could hear her screaming as she ran,

"HOLY COW, HE'S GAY!"

Time passed, as it always did, but this time it lay thick and heavy in the air. Thick and… it tasted of honey. Wait… Archie gasped for breath, pulling his face out of the bathwater. He knew there was a rational reason for his fear. The bubbles tasted of HONEY?!

"T-Theresa?" Jay's voice was just as hazy as the scents wafting around the three. Odie dropped his hand to his side, and Archie shivered as he struggled to get out of Jay's iron grip. Jay remained frozen in place, eyes wide, clutching a wet Archie, and watching where Theresa had just seen his failed seduction. Only his mouth moved.

"Right… women… I forgot that when you're gay you have to give up women… and boobs… though I think Archie has boobs…" Jay's lips said wicked things.

"Hey! I do not!" Jay also failed to hear Archie's complaint, or to see the boy's pouting. His soaked arms covered his normal, non-large, flat, tiny, small, male, perfectly average sized chest... FLAT

"Shh! He's having an epiphany," Odie silenced him.

"What's that—"

"Shut up Archie." Archie reluctantly did, and all was quiet for Jay to continue. Archie's eyes watched a stray bubble make its way toward the ceiling.

"Am I bi-sexual then? Am I…"

The bubble burst.

"WHAT THE _HELL_ ARE YOU DOING?! GET OFF ME ARCHIE!!"

Jay leapt out of the tub, throwing Archie to the floor and instantly regained all of his manly glory as he realized his true love for Theresa, for females. Archie was quickly forgotten as Jay grabbed a nearby manly blue towel and rushed out the door, chasing after his love into the streets. So madly in love with her he'd forgotten to wrap the towel around his waist as he ran and was only clutching the towel in a very masculine way in his tan, manly hand as he ran down the street after Theresa in a manly run.

…MANLY.

"HOLY COW, I'M NOT GAY! COME BACK THERESA! I LOVE YOU!"

And his manly nakedness faded into the horizon.

Archie and Odie sat and stood, respectively, in the strong-smelling bathroom listening to Michael Buble come back into existence as the CD was knocked into place by Jay slamming the door. They could hear Jay running down the street shouting for Theresa. Victory was theirs, Jay was back to his normal self, but why didn't they feel quite like celebrating?

Odie finally broke the silence, a coy grin spreading across his handsome features, "Congratulations Archie, you've officially broken the record for shortest relationship with a nude man in bubbles."

Archie made a face like he was trying to erase the memories of the recent Jayccident. He looked like he might be in pain, "Shut up. We never speak of this again. Ever."

"Agreed."

Archie got to his feet and examined his soaking clothes that were clinging to his slim body and not leaving much to the imagination. He felt exposed… and almost as naked as Jay, "So… I'm going to go get changed out of these wet clothes. See you later."

Odie felt hurt and betrayal rush through him, his eyes widened in disbelief as he choked out, "Wait, you aren't going to invite me to go with you?"

Archie spun on his heel to face Odie and clapped his hands together as he giggled in the execution of his little prank, "Of course I am, come along, my strong little Fro-Fro."

Odie, fully relieved, wrapped an arm around the narrow waist of his sour-cream white boy, "That's right, you follow me. You're just a baby; you can't take off those clothes by yourself, Mo-Mo."

"Tehehe. Oh, FROFIKINS." Archie threw his arms around Odie's neck as they descended back down to the basement from whence they came.

"It's a good thing I'm not lactose intolerant." Odie implied from the darkness. Archie giggled again and there was the sound of a door closing.

**The End.**


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